I was laying down on the day bed, tears rolling down my face, looking at the wall, him rubbing my back. "But you're my best friend. Is this really happening?"
"I don't know." He said softly. In a whisper, my heart broke even more.
"Will we still be friends? I can't imagine you not in my life?" I moved my head to look at him. Looking to him to decide our fate. Hoping he won't say what I think he'll say.
"Honey, I don't think we can do that."
Silence filled the room. The tears began to fill my eyes. I stared off hoping to find distance on the ceiling. Then he spoke.
"You're my best friend too. I wouldn't have been able to get through these past few years without you."
"Why are we doing this then?" I knew we had come to an end, but I still had hope for us. Were we not the perfect couple? Did we not have the solid foundation I thought we had? Desperate thoughts circulated in my head, returning to what a friend had said just days before. That we had a strong foundation.
Silence chilled my body, and the room felt colder than the outside world this late night in February.
"Will you hold me?"
"Of course." He took me into his arms and I breathed him in. I knew it would be one of the last times I would smell him or feel my cheek on his neck. These little things I had treasured since the moment we fell in love. I used to kiss his neck sweetly, and now my salty tears were soaking his skin.
"Let's go back to bed", he whispered as he held me close to him.
He walked me back to our bed. It was the first night in a long time I couldn't sleep. My eyes were wide, and I was fearful of the morning. How things had changed. I used to hold onto him throughout the night, not wanting to let him go when I would have to travel back home. I dreaded the slow drive to the airport and the plane ride home. I would cry because I missed him so much and not having him near me was as though I was leaving my heart behind. Now, I was on the opposite side of the bed. The bed he used to chase me around. I never liked to be touched while I slept until I met him. He needed to hold me at night. "You're chasing me in your sleep again", I would complain. "You can't hide from me. I'll always get you", he would tease. His smile would melt me. Spooning each other was his drug of choice, saying he needed to be close to me. In the beginning, it felt as though I was suffocating. Then holding each other became the only way I could sleep through the night. The only time I felt safe was in his arms; Feeling his fingertips run up and down my spine Or hearing him smell my hair. Now, we were worlds apart and all I wanted to do was reach out to him. Have him hold me and help me sleep. Having his arms and legs wrapped around me was a comfort blanket I didn't know how I would do without. It all became too much, I had to leave the room. How could I sleep next to him and not touch him? I found refuge on the sofa. I woke up to him sitting next to me, "I'll be back later today babe." He kissed me on the forehead. "Ok" I said in a daze. Was last night another nightmare? Was it just a bad dream? My dreams are so vivid, sometimes it's hard to determine what is reality and the dream world.
As he was walking away, he paused and looked back to me. "Let's not tell anyone. I don't want people to worry about us."
I had to hold back the tears. It wasn't just a dream. "Ok", I said hesitantly.
Months later when he shipped my things back to me, I fell to the ground crying, we were really over, what do I do now?
After a breakup, it's so very hard to imagine our lives without the other person. Even when we know we shouldn't be with each other, we are still a part of one another. Being apart feels as though we are incomplete. Sometimes it's for a brief moment, and other times we have to learn to live feeling incomplete.
How do we do this?
It will begin with one minute at a time. Then one hour. Then one day. Then one week. Then one month. Then one year. Soon, this person and who we were with them becomes something from a lifetime ago.
The thing is, you are incomplete but it's not forever. Energetically speaking, we do form attachments via our Heart Chakra. When someone you love is no longer around, our hearts do break a bit. The break, is not forever and you can heal this energetic heartbreak. You don't have to let the pain fester. This breakup was one of my hardest. I didn't know who I was without him. I didn't know my future without him. I didn't know there could be a future without him. I was scared. Fearful I would never love again. Fearful he would never come back. Fearful he would.
The process of pulling yourself together once more is a hodgepodge of clippings and experiences. Mixed up color tiles, making up a kaleidoscope as you twist and turn.
First things first. Someday this breakup, as well as the relationship itself, will make up parts of you that you will come to cherish. They led to better and more wondrous events, experiences and people than you could have ever imagined. You will get through this. The key is to get through and to not look back with sorrow but with joy.
Now, it's time to run away. Some say don't run away from your problems. I sat you're not running away from your problems, you're running to something. You need to gain perspective. Someone else's. You're too far gone to see clearly where you are in this. Find a different vantage point. Whether it's climbing a mountain or visiting a beach. Go where no one knows your name. Go to where you can be just another face in a sea of faces. Or where you won't see another face for miles. Give in to the moments that follow. These may be some of the best of your life.
For me personally, after this breakup, I had one of the best years of my life; I traveled, I met friends I am close to to this day, I moved across the country, I took big risks, some of which panned out, I fell in love again. All in all, I lived big.
What you'll find by way of these experiences is the better version of you, alone. You'll become stronger in ways you never dreamed possible. This will lead you to opportunities some only dream about.
The next step, is to be the best version of your incomplete self.
Love tip: Learn to be incomplete by having life experiences. Embrace it. What do I mean by this?
These life experiences will replace the feeling of being incomplete without your ex, with being incomplete because there's another goal to reach, or a mountain to climb, or a wave to ride, Or another day to love. The incompleteness won't be because of the lack of someone else but because of something else. Something calling to you, and you want to be ready to answer when it does. It's never too soon or too late to feel incomplete through life experiences. To be hungry for more of what life has to offer. You'll hopefully have this feeling until your last breath. And I hope with each experience you gain something new and grow and breathe beyond yourself. For only then will it truly not matter about love lost, but only about the life gained.
Offerings for this week:
Tuesday, February 9th 4pm Meditation at Nantucket Family Services. Just show up at 20 Vespar Lane. http://nantucketfamilyservices.org/
Wednesday, February 10th, Hatha Yoga for all Levels, Nantucket Dharma Yoga. Book your spot here: http://dharmayoganantucket.com/
Sunday, February 14th, 1-3pm Partner Yoga Workshop, Nantucket Dharma Yoga. For anyone who wants a joy, laughter filled afternoon. Come as you are and we will partner you up or bring a partner. Book your spot here: https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/classic/home?studioid=35031
Peace, Love and Hugs,
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